Rants
Wednesday, July 1, 2009, by Sherra
Scary Baby is back home.
With a new Texas-Bohemian look.
This means the end of The Grunter’s short-lived “I’m an only child again” phase.
It also means he can start blaming one of his sisters for putting the toilet lid up and not flushing.
I kid you not.
While we were in the 3 week “only child” phase, he actually said he did not put the lid up and he always flushes.
He’s totally busted after blaming his sisters for many years that they are sooooooo gross and he always flushes. (I’m just talking about pee here - seriously even my gross kids aren’t that gross.)
Big fat lie.
Totally gross.
But not as gross as what he has to deal with at work.
*** W A R N I N G ***
This may make you stop going to the movies.
Or at least wonder what the heck is wrong with people?
This was our text message conversation with him last week while we were in North Carolina. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried…
Side note: Do not read while eating.
The Grunter (TG): Somebody made a poo on the floor of a theatre again.
Me: A baby or a grown-up poo?
TG: Grown up poo
TG: Or maybe a small horse
Me: Wow did u have to clean it up?
TG: Yes
Me: Where was the poo located specifically?
TG: Located on the floor in the front row.
Me: Did you get a gift card?*
TG: Nope I got nothing
Me: Publix should be looking good right now
Me: Any toilet paper near the pile?
TG: Nope the horse didn’t wipe. His butt is gonna itch…
*This is the 2nd incident. The 1st one he only smelled but never located until a movie patron located it IN A SEAT where they sat down IN IT. When the 3 lucky employees had to clean it up, they all got generous gift cards from the managers.
PhilBillPaul affectionately refers to this as a “Code Brown” from his year of hotel employment when they would walkie talkie each other when there was an incident in the pool. (Caddyshack anyone?)
Soon, I will be unable to function in public.
For some reason, our family (Grandma included) finds this cry-tears funny but also utterly disgusting. We actually made him call Grandma and relay the story to her on the phone after dinner last night.
Let me tell you, I inspect the seats before sitting down now.
Grandma has a good visual in her head of some poor soul (like me) walking in with thin sandals and slipping in the floor variety. (I’m trying to refrain from using the word “poo” too many times.)
So many unanswered questions.
WHO? WHEN? And most of all…WHY?
Anyone? Anyone?
I tell you he really earns those free movie tickets.
Another proud mom moment.
Thanks for letting me share.
Leave a comment and let me know if you laughed or you unsubscribe now.
Just sharing our real life. 
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Categories: Finding the Funny, Rants, Teens
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Wednesday, June 17, 2009, by Sherra
Did you hear the great economic stimulus plan for family summer vacations?
There are three free national park weekends with the first one starting this weekend, June 20th. The other weekends are July 18 and 19, and August 15 and 16.
It would be fun to be able to take advantage of one of these weekends. There’s still time to plan a semi-spontaneous family vacation! Or if you are lucky enough to live near one of the national parks, you should definitely take advantage of this opportunity!
I’d like to give a little Grand Canyon tip for anyone who is able to get there for a visit this summer. PhilBillPaul and I were lucky enough to visit in the quiet of December and it was breathtaking.
Towards the end of trip, this was really breathtaking.
In case you can’t see it, here is a close up…
An idiot who is on the WRONG side of the fence.
WHY OH WHY would you climb over a metal fence and rail to get one or two feet closer?
I couldn’t help but take a few pictures of the idiot. I like to teach the kids these little life lessons with words and pictures. It’s nice when an idiot provides you with a complete photo tutorial.
I was glad to capture this picture of him climbing back over to safety. I would not have wanted to photograph the alternative. 
I think they like to keep the number of accidents, disappearances and rescue and recovery on the down low. We don’t want to scare the tourists from visiting. Really, I just think they should work on keeping the idiots from visiting.
They do have these handy informational signs posted around the trails.
In English, “People die here falling from the edge. Do not go beyond–or climb on–walls or railings. Most who die have gone beyond walls or rails.
Seriously? Yes, idiots keep signmakers in business.
Unfortunately, most idiots can’t read. The graphic probably just confuses them even more.
Hey, one more quick tip. Don’t forget to stop at the Wendy’s just before the South Rim entrance to have a $7.00 burger. The value menu is not available at this location.
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Categories: Little Lessons, Moments, Rants
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Monday, May 11, 2009, by Sherra
Mother’s Day 2009 is imprinted in my memory.
Not for the usual reasons of past years in my “perfect” life.
Side note: A few weeks ago, my sister and a friend told me that they think I should be more real because everything at my house always sounds so good.
I laughed at them but was a little puzzled. I guess me writing about spiraling into depression, getting a phone call from the high school principal and taking xanax now and again is too upbeat and perky for some people.
Yeah, I’ll work on that
Back to Mother’s Day. In past years, Saint PhilBillPaul has had the kids make me breakfast in bed and make lovely homemade cards, taken me out for brunch or dinner and all the other cliché but wonderful things that moms love.
This year…
not so much.
But in the midst of the day, I did receive this heartfelt and touching card.
WARNING
Do not scroll down if you are eating or if you are offended by super short shorts.
That’s my girl. And I especially love how she signed with her last initial “H” because otherwise I wouldn’t have known who it was from.
Roger Leroy has inherited the same warped sense of humor that the rest of us have.
The card is a winner even if Mother’s Day wasn’t.
I’m saving some of my more real venting for a later date.
Perhaps in about two weeks and two days.
Because that’s how much time is left before the darling twins have here at home with us before they graduate and then ship to basic training.
For now, I’m still trying to respect their privacy.
Until then, please leave a comment and share some warm, fuzzy Mother’s Day moments that will help me remember when they were tiny and cute.
P.S. Scary Baby did make me a sweet book of poems at school in her handwriting complete with her own drawings!
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Categories: Finding the Funny, Rants, Teens
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Friday, April 24, 2009, by Sherra
I’ve been so flexible with my Fridays that I haven’t posted for a few weeks.
Between spring break and coming home from spring break and packing to leave again, I’ve been a little, um, irregular.
I flew to Chicago yesterday and there is always so much fun to be had at the airport observing humans and their behavior.
Like the car and people being searched at curbside before I even left Atlanta.
Here’s what I really started wondering as I walked through the airport.
I wondered how we all lived before cell phones? Every other person was using one. Who did we talk to before they were invented? Did we talk to each other at the airport? Or just stare at each other? Does anyone remember?
Here’s one thing that has really changed and I’m going out on a limb here and stating my strong opinion on this one.
When did it become socially acceptable to answer the phone in the bathroom?
Why is this okay?
Is there really any phone call important enough to answer when you are in a bathroom stall?
Frankly, I think not.
If someone died, they will still be dead after you flush, wash your hands and leave the restroom.
I just don’t want to be that connected to ANYONE that I answer the phone in a public restroom.
In addition, I’m not interested in hearing someone else’s conversation while I’m in the bathroom.
Call me crazy but no one is that important.
Please do share if I’m missing the importance of why so many people are compelled to answer the phone while in a bathroom stall.
The most recent airport pet peeve…
A fee if I want to check a bag.
Um yeah, isn’t that what all that space under the plane is for? Bag storage.
So build the bag fee in to the price of the ticket and charge accordingly.
I took a chance and paid the $15.00 because I am a risk-taker like that.
Happy to report my bag arrived.
I am also delighted to announce there is NO SNOW and the weather is actually beautiful.
May you all have lovely spring weather and enjoy your weekend wherever you are!
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Categories: Finding the Funny, Random Thoughts, Rants
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Friday, March 20, 2009, by Sherra
I’ve got nothing today.
Because I’m still doing that thing that I HATE.
Why don’t I have a friend who is an accountant?
And that accountant really wants a blog.
That I’d be happy to set up, install and help get them started.
Or needs some help with something that does not involve numbers or math.
Because I would trade services.
In a heartbeat…
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Categories: Rants
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Wednesday, March 18, 2009, by Sherra
Hate is a very strong word.
PhilBillPaul and I made it a rule in our house when the kids were very little that they are not allowed to use the word hate when referring to people. It’s just a personal little issue I have about choosing our words carefully. I was traumatized in my teens when someone I love screamed “I hate you.”
Not to me thank you very much.
But all I could think about was what if that’s the last thing you screamed at someone you love in a fit of anger?
Don’t get me wrong because that might sound all noble and deep but those who know me are very aware that I have angry outbursts.
Coma…head injury…human…not enough therapy…take your pick of why I lack the self-control to be a shining example to my children on a daily basis.
I have been known to say “I dislike you intensely right now.”
Which is not really the best substitute but sometimes it’s all I’ve got. Just keeping it real.
We do, however, allow the occasional “I hate ______” referring to inanimate objects. You know, as in:
I hate vegetables.
I hate roaches.
I hate pollen season in Atlanta.
I hate bookkeeping, accounting and filing taxes.
Thanks, I feel much better now.
Can you tell what I’ve been doing for two days? Yes, I’m a little grouchy.
Okay, maybe a lot grouchy.
I almost forgot to tell you all that a new blog friend, Lynn asked me to write a guest post over at an amusing, relatively new blog called My Teen, The Alien.
It’s about parents and teenagers lying and who does it more.
Let me know what you think.
Anything you hate that you’re willing to share? Come on, tell me…
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Monday, February 16, 2009, by Sherra
I tried a new approach this weekend to getting my kids to clean their rooms.
I’m trying to embrace modern technology and we all do text message back and forth quite often.
I didn’t take actual photographs but this is a fairly accurate picture of my lovely childrens’ rooms…
*****
It was a moment of serendipity when this was the cartoon that showed up yesterday on my computer just a few hours after I had sent a text message to my three darling teenagers.
Back Story and Disclaimer:
There are so many great things about living in the South…
- Friendly people.
- Beautiful scenery.
- Southern cooking.
- All four seasons with the shortest being winter.
But no matter how I long I live here, I will never, ever get used to the
R-O-A-C-H-E-S. They are right up there with spiders and snakes. They make me squeal and run and stand on my bed and sometimes even cry. When the weather starts warming up, these icky varmit come out and I get really cranky when I see one in the house.
You’ll understand why I share that after reading this exact text messaging to my lovely teenagers on Saturday night. Roger Leroy was the only sassy teen to reply (probably only because the other two were working).
Text “Conversation”
Me: Important News Flash. Tomorrow everyone is cleaning their rooms, clean bedding, vacuum, shmop, etc. before ANYONE is allowed to do or go anywhere. xoxo mom
Me: P.S. I saw ALL your rooms & I know why a roach was crawling on Everett this week.
RL: No
Me: Get ur bags packed. I’ll drop u off at xxx’s.
RL: K
Me: That was XXX not xxxxx. I’ll call Mrs. XXXXX in the a.m.
RL: K
Me: We will miss u
RL: K
Me: U r a butthead & will still be cleaning ur room tomorrow before u leave…restoring it to the condition it was in when u were born.
RL: Then i don’t need to leave
Me: We’re delighted that u have decided to stay 
Truly, their rooms were FRIGHTENING. And I try to avoid even going down the hall to even see them. I’ve heard I’m suppose to give them space and freedom to live like pigs if they want to.
But when the roaches come, I have to ready myself for battle.
I’ve heard you are suppose to be careful to choose you battles. Make sure it’s the stuff that matters. Yeah, yeah, I try to do that.
But I would have appreciated a little more warning about how to prepare for and at what age that EVERY. SINGLE. THING. we ask them to do becomes a battle.
BIG SIGH.
On the positive side, their rooms are vastly improved.
I’ll let you know if the varmit sightings decline.
UGH.
Happy Monday - have a great week!
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Categories: Finding the Funny, Rants, Teens, Tweens
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Monday, October 13, 2008, by Sherra
In case any of you were thinking I am in control of anything at my house or I am the boss of anything…
I’m not.
As evidenced by these photos of my daughters meeting my husband’s girlfriend.
The girlfriend in the garage has moved to the driveway. That’s Roger Leroy with her arms wrapped tightly around her dad going for her first ride.
And then headed down the road. With Wizzy on the back.
Because I’m the boss of everything here.
But, he forgot one thing about me and my blog…
Turnabout is fair play.
Just wanted to share the details of PhilBillPaul’s first motorcycle injury.
It was on his birthday and I have refrained from discussing it here.
Until he took my daughters for a ride this weekend.
I figured it was time.
Plus my friend Ann dared me. I think there was a money bribe implied.
First, the back story on the injury…
It has been 20+ years since he has needed a helmet.
He has never worn a full face helmet and he took an opportunity to try on helmets while he was waiting on an oil change at Wal-Mart by himself.
He had no idea that the helmet would feel so claustrophobic and was too tight for his big head.
Now, cut to the first injury…pun intended and you’ll get it in just a minute.
When he came home he was bleeding and we all asked what happened.
He had no idea what we were talking about and came into the bathroom to discover that he had a good-sized cut across his nose.
We are pretty sure that Wal-Mart has videotape of a 50 year-old man in the helmet aisle thrashing around trying to get a helmet off.
It was a pretty deep gash and we’re also pretty sure he left a trail of blood…
I cannot deny that the kids and I got hysterical re-enacting what we pictured happened at Wal-Mart.
For the next two weeks it was an awkward injury to hide.
Especially when we were in public together. So I would just get it out of the way upfront and say, “Go ahead, tell people what happened to your nose.”
I’m sure you all will be happy to know that the cut healed and he is not sporting a nose scar.
Poor Phil…
P.S. How could I forget to tell you on Friday that many of those great Etsy shops are sponsoring our Sunday Surprise Giveaways during the month of October on iLashGirls? Click over there right now so you can enter to win a beautiful necklace that supports National Breast Cancer Awareness. We’ll have a bunch more surprise giveaways during the rest of October that you will definitely want to get in on and enter to win! If you haven’t subscribed via email yet to iLashGirls do so right now so you will be notified when the giveaways are posted.
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Categories: Finding the Funny, Rants, Teens
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Monday, October 6, 2008, by Sherra
Because I feel like we’re all close personal friends and I need to have a tangible record of the dysfunction that is my life, I’m writing this story today.
PhilBillPaul met her in March of this year.
He actually brought her to our house.
She stays in the garage.
I’ve met her. The kids have met her.
Believe it or not, my daughters are very intrigued by her.
Which is awkward and continues to be a BIG problem.
I wasn’t the least bit impressed with her.
She is younger than me.
Whatever.
Though younger doesn’t always mean prettier. Or in better shape.
Apparently her personality made up for what she definitely lacked in the looks department.
Score one more for PhilBillPaul in the Mr. Nice Guy category for not being shallow. Instead, he is obviously attracted to her personality.
Whatever.
Surely I wouldn’t leave you all hanging without showing you a picture or two of this intruder.
She doesn’t even have all her parts.
Lovely, isn’t she?
Lucky for her, PhilBillPaul has spent the past six months with her and has done an “Extreme Makeover” on her.
I’m going out on a limb here and breaking one of my cardinal rules ~ one of my favorite life lessons which is “Never Say Never.”
I will never be friends with her.
I will never understand this relationship.
I will never accept this relationship.
Some of you may have similar relationship struggles.
We’re 4 days away from 21 years of marriage. Please don’t misunderstand.
Our shelves are filled with family albums of wonderful memories of our years together. I am thankful I have recorded the story of our life with words and pictures.
But as many of you know from this blog and most who know me realize I’m just not very good at keeping my feelings hidden. I like to be transparent so no one has to guess where they stand with me.
Let me be perfectly clear when I say I am not jealous of his girlfriend.
Not even a hint of jealousy when he bought a new leather jacket so he could look good while he rides his new girlfriend.
Side note: There was no nice way to say that. I tried. Really I did.
Even though he’ll tell you the jacket is protective gear.
I’m sure his other protective gear is backordered. Leather pants and boots are needed to complete this geeky hot new look.
Oh yeah, I’m hot all right.
But mostly, it just makes me sad.
No one will be able to convince me to support or celebrate his choice.
And I will refrain from telling you the horrific, tragic motorcycle stories that I have personally been affected by.
Because he sold his motorcycle the first year we were married at my insistence and he is now reneging on our agreement.
Because I am a mother with three teenagers driving in a community with too many cars and cell phones and distractions, I cannot be supportive of this choice.
Because I am a mother who was spent these past years trying to teach the kids about all the risks they will face in their lifetime and sometimes choosing the less risky path may not provide as much instant gratification and fun.
Because I am a mother who believes that after you have children, your choices change dramatically and the lifestyle and choices you had as a single person become a fleeting memory.
Because I am a mother and a wife and a head injury survivor, the girlfriend and I are just never going to peacefully co-exist.
Because he doesn’t get a free pass from me when he is knowingly spitting in the face of danger and ignoring my wishes.
Because I have a blog I can announce to the world that if anything happens to him I’m relinquishing my wifely duties because I did not sign up for this.
But please, feel free to continue loving PhilBillPaul and wondering how
“Poor Phil” puts up with me.
I’ll be busy here remembering a man who wore a different leather jacket back in 1987 when he wrapped me up in that jacket to keep me warm and safe in his loving arms…
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Friday, September 26, 2008, by Sherra
If you are a regular reader then you already know I have issues…
My issue of the day is…
SQUIRRELS
Thanks to Julieann’s comment about that yummy bean cake on Wednesday, she gave me the perfect segue to my already planned post about SQUIRRELS…
How do we go from Pork-n-Beans cake to squirrels?
I have always had squirrel issues. Rats with bushy tails. I don’t like squirrels.
My current squirrel issues are directly related to my hormone issues from last year which have subsequently created sleep issues and sent me spiraling into The Black Hole discussed here and here and here.
We have a new visitor who has been visiting our roof.
This squirrel is leaping onto our roof from a tree branch and runs along the gutter.
First I hear the faint thud as he lands on the roof. Then he creeps up to my bedroom window. Which is approximately four feet from my pillow and starts chewing on the window sill.
The sound is deafening. And it wakes me up.
And I have sleep issues.
And I hate squirrels.
Luckily, I’m married to handy dandy PhilBillPaul and his trusty handy assistant, Roger Leroy.
They ignorantly bravely went out on the roof with a chain saw to trim the branches so the Satanic Squirrel (SS) would stop eating MY HOUSE.
Nothing more comforting than seeing your daughter handing your husband a chain saw through your bedroom window. Note her enthusiasm if you can see it in the darkened photo.
Please forgive the poor quality photos thus far. I am not a SQUIRREL or CHAIN SAW photographer.
Hasn’t even phased SS - he keeps coming back.
PhilBillPaul thinks he can get SS with The Grunter’s crossbow. I have nixed this idea as I think a dead squirrel in my yard with an arrow sticking out of it might incite some animal-loving neighbors.
I don’t want any trouble.
I just want uninterrupted sleep.
We’ve been told a squirrel trap is our next option.
Lucky for me, we’ve had squirrel hunters living with us for many years.
The Grunter and his assistants have been hunting squirrels since 1997.
Problem is they’ve never caught one.
But darn it, that was a very cute moment when I asked The Grunter what he was doing and he told me the girls were his lookouts so he could catch a squirrel.
Now, I need to address another part of Julieann’s comment…
That Pork-n-Beans Cake was a recipe from food-loving Americans and because she inferred it might have come from people in Kentucky who eat possum and SQUIRREL or some other southern state, I bring you this highly scientific data I retrieved from the allrecipes.com website about the locations of those who loved BEAN CAKE:
Texas, Ohio, New York now living in Portland, Kansas, Canada, Ohio now living in Pennsylvania, Idaho now living in Nevada and Florida.
NOT ONE MENTION of Kentucky, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, etc.
So my friend, Julieann, just because you moved out West and are no longer here in Georgia, don’t despair. I’m betting you can find squirrel at some restaurant in California!
P.S. In all fairness, I must confess that my Grandad was a Midwest squirrel hunter back in the day. I certainly remember that he and my uncle and cousins would go squirrel hunting and Imogene cooked it. I’m getting queasy again…
Sally - send me that great picture of Grandad and your brother proudly displaying their squirrel vermin.
So you see, squirrel huntin’ and eatin’ are really not necessarily Southern thangs!
Anyone else here NOT from the South ever hunt and/or eat squirrel? I think the Pork-n-Beans cake would be a lovely side dish. Don’t forget to add the bacon bits and peanuts.
Okay, seriously now…I’m sick.
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