Life Lessons

The Black Hole, Part Three

Wednesday, February 6, 2008, by Sherra

I went home from that appointment and I’m pretty sure I crawled into bed and took a long nap. Sheesh, it was a big day for me–showering and driving to the doctor and all. I might have had to stop and put gas in the car. I can’t really remember.

I spent another month in bed considering taking the pills but knowing if I just got a little more quality sleep time, I would snap out of this and everything would be okay.

I made weekly appointments for some talk therapy. I went. The therapist gave me words of affirmation and quality time (my main love languages).

Side note: If you haven’t ever read Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate I highly recommend it. It has been extremely helpful in all my relationships, not just marriage.

Okay, I do know she was getting paid to give me quality time and words of affirmation are really part of her job description. But I did feel better for at least an hour or two. She also thought I should seriously consider taking the medication.

I went home from those appointments and climbed back in bed to sleep because I was exhausted from actually going somewhere. And not sleeping at night.

Another month went by and nothing much had changed. So I made the decision to try the pills.

Please understand my hesitation in taking the pills was not because I am anti-meds. If it works, give me two! My hesitation was in my previous experience of taking a short six month ride on another anti-depressant when my dad was dying and Scary Baby was just 8 months old.

That prescription certainly took the edge off and kept me functioning at a time in my life that I really needed to be “present and accounted for.” But it also made me very, very flat. I am the first one to admit that I like to FEEL my emotions–I love to laugh and I’m not opposed to a good cry. With the drug, I did neither.

Side note: I was very, very agreeable and PhilBillPaul liked that a lot. He could barely get me to argue or squeal about anything. Very sad for me. I missed that part of me.

So I decided to make the commitment and started to take the pills as instructed. It takes at least 4 to 6 weeks to get the drugs into your system at the proper dosing.

Nothing…no change. Except I was more tired which seemed almost impossible. Not being able to sleep at night, I was staying up till the wee hours of the morning and then having vivid, 3D dreams that were not peaceful or soothing in any way.

That was the single most disturbing side effect because even though I’m aware that I have many, many issues–sleep was never one of them. I could get a job as a professional sleeper. It is a skill I have carefully honed. I know I need a minimum of eight hours with a nap or two if possible. I’m the person who can sleep standing up if there is no place to lie down.

Except then I was freaking out because I was not getting any uninterrupted sleep. It was much, much worse than the “new, crying baby, no sleep” mode. Why? Because I was a lot younger then. And my babies were put on an excellent sleep schedule and adhered to it. And because if there was one time I was a really good mother, it was when they were infants.

Ten weeks later. I’m not sleeping, I’m farther down in the black hole and it was time to call the doctor again.

To be continued…

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Categories: Friends, Life Lessons, Love Languages, Milestones

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Answer to one burning question…

Monday, February 4, 2008, by Sherra

Wow, my plan to have lighthearted and funny posts on Monday has already been derailed.

Finding the funny becomes difficult when your children display poor judgment and make bad decisions.

When the assistant principal calls you on Friday afternoon to discuss discipline problems about two of your four children, the Superbowl party weekend takes on a different tone.

I’ll save the details of the school problems for later. Perhaps later will be when they are married with teenagers. I’m not making any promises though. I can only say that I will respect their privacy for now.

Here’s the thing about teenage problems vs. toddler problems. The timeout chair doesn’t work anymore. The consequences are much longer lasting. The impact of their poor judgment can affect more than just your immediate family.

It is also a time when you, as the parent, question all that you have tried to teach and wonder if they’re going to make it in the world.

Then you have to dig deep to find the consequences to match the actions. And follow through.

Because in the end, following through with the discipline with your kids means more than a minor inconvenience for the parents.

Because putting them on restrictions puts the whole family on restrictions.

For those of you who are still in the toddler or tween stage and haven’t made it to the teen years, it’s like staying home to potty train but oh, so much worse. Because they’re not so cute and funny anymore.

But you know that this really is about teaching them life lessons.

And those monotonous days you wanted to change are the days you wish you could bring back.

“Sure, I’ll read Green Eggs & Ham again.”

I bow to those of you who have made it through this stage.

I wish I had some great tips for those of you approaching this stage.

But in the words of my good friend Ann, “I got nothing.”

And this weekend revealed the answer to the burning question on our Happy New Year card:

Why do we take more pictures of
our two wiener dogs than of our kids?

Because right now, they are cuter and they don’t talk back.

Life Lesson (LL): Just when you relax and think things are going well, teenagers will remind you that they were just lulling you into a false sense of security to see if you’re still paying attention. Especially when you thought you were already paying attention!

Share a Life Lesson (SALL): I am open to (and openly begging for) any constructive suggestions on making it through these teen years without becoming a bitter old woman with a substance abuse problem. Give yourself and your kids code names if necessary just share, please share…

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The Black Hole, Part Two

Wednesday, January 30, 2008, by Sherra

Back in 1988, my new friend, Mr. Psychologist, who was helping me cope with the side effects of the head injury recovery process, shared a word picture that helps me even today.

He said, “Everyone has a sack of pebbles they carry on their back. Some have larger pebbles than others. Some have more pebbles. Some have less.”

I then announced “if everyone has pebbles then I have BOULDERS in my sack. ” Remember, head injury patients are prone to ill-timed emotional outbursts and I was a textbook case. These days when I act out I just yell “Coma” so everyone remembers it’s not my fault. It doesn’t really work all that often but can you blame me for trying?

Focus, Sherra, focus.

Okay, so the real lesson here is not that I have boulders and you don’t. I believe we all have pebbles, rocks and boulders and we all cope with them in very different ways.

Your boulders may be bigger and heavier than mine. They come in all shapes and sizes and weights. (Hey, just like people.) We’re not here to judge anyone’s boulders so please, let’s start by not judging mine. We are not in a boulder competition. I repeat, this is not a competition!

Rather, we need to look for ways to help each other see past the boulders, move them, chip them away - do whatever it takes to get that other human being around, over or out from behind the boulder.

Upon realizing that The Black Hole (TBH) was a giant boulder and it was getting in the way of my day-to-day life, I knew I had to do something.

The first thing I did was to make a doctor’s appointment with my OB/gyn. It conveniently coincided with that extra-special annual appointment that we all love so much. I did feel a tiny bit productive multi-tasking like that.

I’m pretty verbal (as if you haven’t already figured that out) and I know the importance of being my own medical advocate. I shared with my doctor who I had been seeing since just after the twins were born, that I was having a hard time “coping” at home and my PMS seemed to be lasting, on average, about 28 to 30 days every month.

Hindsight flash: I wish I had known about this cute little chart I found on the internet recently. I might just order one today. I really believe that knowing the rhythm of our bodies is crucial for our health and well-being.

My doctor listened, nodded, and made some notes on his new hi-tech laptop that held my new paperless medical records.

Then he sent me home with the latest, greatest anti-depressant and patted me on the back and said to call if I needed anything else…

To be continued…

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Categories: Friends, Life Lessons, Milestones

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Scary Baby scares herself…

Monday, January 28, 2008, by Sherra

Scary Baby has always been good at finding ways to occupy herself. On this day two years ago, we were all inside when we heard an ear-piercing scream in the backyard. By the time Roger Leroy had flung the deck door open to see what was happening, Scary Baby had made it around to the front porch. She was banging on the front door screaming, “I’M BLIND, I’M BLIND.” We opened the door to see this (except she had clothes on and her eyes were shut)…

This is what happens when you beat a can of spray paint with a rake.

PhilBillPaul yelled at Wizzy to go to the basement and get PAINT THINNER.

Sometimes our loved ones do not think clearly when faced with an emergency. PAINT THINNER???

I scooped up Scary Baby and ran upstairs with her and put in her in the bathtub while trying to calm her screaming and saying, “Keep your eyes closed tight and I’m going to rinse them with water. It’s going to be okay…”

Meanwhile, Roger Leroy had gone to the backyard and recovered the evidence–one very dented can of spray paint and a garden rake.

I’m not bragging here but I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you that…poison control said flushing with water was the right move and did not recommend using PAINT THINNER on her skin or hair.

Paint residue remained in her hair for several weeks.

I’m very happy to report her eyesight was not damaged.

Life Lesson (LL):Cans of spray paint, rakes and unsupervised children don’t mix well.

Share a Life Lesson (SALL):Any good stories you can share about leaving a child unsupervised so I can feel better about my slacker mom skills?

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The Black Hole, Part One

Friday, January 25, 2008, by Sherra

My journey into The Black Hole was not as easy to summarize as I first thought. Here is the beginning of the story that I will continue to share in the coming weeks. Not because I think the details are fascinating or I am trying to be more depressing, but because if my story can help just one woman who is going through something similar, I want to reach out to her…

I have discovered that I have the ability to muddle through even when life gets hard. It’s part of who I am. A stubborn, hardworking, Midwestern girl who knows bad things can happen to good people.

I have also discovered that it really takes a lot to send me spiraling into “The Black Hole” but spiral is what I do when faced with boulders. (More on boulders on another day.)

So far, three boulders have been put in front of me that have overwhelmed me enough to warrant intervention, professional counseling and/or drugs:

Boulder #1: The car crash, coma and learning to live with a head injury. May 1988

Boulder #2: Helping my mom take care of my dad when he was dying of multiple myeloma. February 2000

Boulder #3: An explosion with a flash fire at our house where PhilBillPaul and I suffered severe 2nd degree burns. September 2006

Lest you think I’m whining, I share these things with you to give you a bit more insight into who I am and let you know that I don’t typically fall apart when life gets hard.

I now realize that the fire was really a post-traumatic stress trigger. It brought up feelings so similar to the car crash “boulder” that it was almost eerie.

Except this time I had three teenagers and a 2nd grader and two dogs and I could barely function. It took all my strength to get out of bed and get cleaned up to “appear to be fine” at a school function or sporting event or anywhere in public.

My semi-rational brain knew that old adage of “surround yourself with positive people” is usually true.

Unfortunately, my irrational brain was working overtime. Positive people were the last people I wanted to be around. They can be very irritating to those of us who are not feeling so positive. Positive people were not invited into The Black Hole. This was a private party for one, thank you very much.

So I started avoiding doing anything that required me to get out of bed or get cleaned up or basically interact with other humans beyond my immediate family.

I was anti-social and preferred to be in my bedroom (in my bed) whenever possible. I answered the phone as little as possible.

I was a barrel of fun to live with.

To be continued…

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Categories: Friends, Life Lessons, Milestones

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I am a severe head injury survivor

Tuesday, January 8, 2008, by Sherra

“I’m not the ‘me’ I used to know.”

That sentence sums up for me how I’ve felt since I woke up from a coma in June 1988.

The quote is from another traumatic brain injury survivor. I have since lost that little scrap of paper I carried around in my wallet for many years.

In one moment my world was turned upside down.

We were hit head-on by a drunk driver. I was driving and the most seriously injured. I was airlifted to Bayfront Medical Center and was in a coma for eleven days.

Something happens when you have been to the edge of death and have been given a second chance at life.

Phillip and I had been married just seven short months and we lived in Tampa, Florida. The crash happened on Friday night, Memorial Day weekend at about 11:30 pm on our way home from Clearwater to Tampa. I was driving. Phillip was in the passenger seat. An old friend and my roommate before we got married was in the backseat. We had actually driven over to Clearwater to feed her boss’s dogs. I volunteered to drive as they were both tired from a long week of work.

We never made it home.

I have always known that if I had not been wearing a seat belt, I would have died that night. (Airbags or automatic seat belts did not become mandatory in passenger vehicles until the next year.)

Phillip was the only one who was able to get out of the car and get help. The drunk driver had crossed the center line and I took the brunt of the impact. A two lane highway with water on the right side. No one could have driven out of it. It took me many years to really understand that.

My friend was trapped in the backseat with a crushed hip. I had grand mal seizures and I stopped breathing on the helicopter. I was put on a ventilator at the hospital and the next night, my heart stopped beating.

Believe me when I say it is a miracle that I am typing this today. That I can walk and talk is nothing I take for granted.

I’ve lost count of the life lessons I’ve learned from this experience.

Maybe, in the coming weeks, I’ll start by sharing the things I did in the hospital when I woke up. Let’s just say I was very, very busy…

It will be 20 years on May 27, 2008.

It is a date we will never forget.

It is an anniversary we do not celebrate.

It is our life and the people we love that we treasure…

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Categories: Friends, Life Lessons, Milestones, Moments

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