Archives for September 2010

Short Intermission

A record-setting 2 day migraine forces me to take a break, lose all track of time and be more behind than I was before the migraine.


Narcotic pain relievers are my friends.

I plan to ask my new neurologist if I’m a candidate for a new head transplant.

Be back soon.



DWTS ~ Ho Hum

So nice to have “The Hoff” voted off so we didn’t have to sit through that pain this week.

[photo: ABC]

My frivolous comments in dance order…

Rick Fox & Cheryl Burke – I thought he looked a little off beat but the judges liked him and said he’s a contender. Who doesn’t like to look at him and his dazzling smile?

Florence Henderson & Corky Ballas – It was okay but not great. She’s trying hard but I don’t think she’s found “her” dance yet.

Brandy & Maks Chmerkovskiy – It’s hard to be a fan and root for Maks when I don’t like Brandy so much. She’s cocky and I hated her solo. Then I really hated how she threw Maks under the bus saying it was his idea. Why were they tougher on her than Florence but gave them identical scores?

Michael Bolton & Chelsie Hightower – Dog house. Dog bone. Dog of a dance. Sorry, couldn’t resist. He’s just bad. Surely he’s leaving after this. Poor Chelsie. It was really painful to watch. Bruno gave him a 3. Ouch.

Audrina Patridge & Tony Dovolani – Brunette Barbie doll, she’s pretty but I haven’t seen anything that makes me love her. Then she goes and breaks down in week TWO because there is friction with her boyfriend because she is practicing soooooo much. Tears & whining. Um, could someone review the contract with her?

Jennifer Grey & Derek Hough – My favorite of the night. Wow, she got her groove on and Derek’s choreography shined again!

Margaret Cho & Louis Van Amstel – Most improved from last week’s comedy routine. Also wins most stressed facial expressions. Relax and breathe.

Kyle Massey & Lacey Schwimmer – This kid is fun to watch and is really light on his feet especially since he’s a little blocky.

Kurt Warner & Anna Trebunskaya – So much fun to watch. He’s adorable and so happy to learn to dance and it shows when he dances! Let’s have a costume meeting though. What the heck was up with the sequins hot glued on the pockets of his shirt? I could have done that.

The Situation & Karina Smirnoff – One word = Icky.

Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas – Stiff, tense and counting. I’m still trying to figure out how Cari Anne could say she looked so relaxed. I was thinking “deer in headlights” was more accurate. Len gave her an 8?! Seriously? He must be a huge fan of her mother.

Random Observations Not Related to Dancing:
You’ve got to be kidding that they are regurgitating up an old Bachelor for the show. I swear I’m not watching (which I know is a relief to some of you). I didn’t like Brad the first time and I’m certainly not sitting through it again. Thanks anyway but I think I’ll stick with the Bravo Housewives for my quality TV.

I’m eliminating Brandy & Maks from my list and going with a final three now…my personal favs are still:

  • Jennifer & Derek
  • Kurt & Anna
  • Rick & Cheryl

Who were your favorites this week?


Friday Fun: Serious Discution

No food fun today. Just plain old fun because I got an exciting email that requires some serious discution along with a quick blog note to my mother-in-law because I know she reads the blog every morning!

Dear Granny,

We are so lucky that you live in Texas!

Would you please drive to El Paso to get my 14.7 million? Just meet the diplomatic and he will give you the cash consignment box.

The full original email is below so you have all the information you need and if that darn IMF wasn’t being difficult I think I would already have my money.

I will gladly reimburse you for gas and your driving time to El Paso (as soon as you get the box full of money).

Hurry and call that number because they said I only have 24 hours and the clock is ticking.


Your wealthy daughter-in-law

This was screaming at me in my email inbox Thursday morning!!

This is the full email with no changes at all.

Your diplomat has arrived with your cash consignment box at El Paso international airport Texas USA,

date Thu, Sep 23, 2010 at 3:10 AM

FROM THE DESK DR Sanusi Lamido Sanusi
Swift Code: BPH KPL PK,
A/C#: 329606=101244=169=678
Our Ref: CBN/IRD/CBX/021/07

We have received today payment credit instruction from the new President of Federal Government of Nigeria (DR JONATHAN GOODLUCK)to credit your account with your full inheritance funds from the Nigerian reserve account with our bank.

This is to notify you that your funds (14.7million dollars) has been programmed for immediate release into your nominated account but we can not transfer this funds direct to your nominated bank account, because we are having a little problem with International Monetary Fund (IMF) so our method of payment is by Diplomatic Courier Service.

Your diplomat has arrived with your cash consignment box at El Paso international airport Texas USA.

I want you to know that you have 24 hours to call the diplomat in person of HOPE FRANK with these phone number#9153214719 in the United States, let us know if you are still interested to get your consignment delivery to you today? as they have been waiting to hear from you to help them complete this delivery to you right now the diplomatic have arrival to united state with your consignment box,call them for clearance.

You are to call the airport with the number above and ask to speak with the diplomatic in person HOPE FRANK and send him email at . call them and get back to me.

Note; that you must reconfirm your full address and valid phone# to him through these immediately you receive these email to enable him deliver your cash consignment to you without any mistake.

You must call me on my direct line# +234-8053-590-606 for serious discution.
I appreciate your good sympathetic and collaboration, Hope hearing from you swiftly.



Don’t be jealous of my good fortune. I promise I’m going to do all kinds of good things with the money.

As soon as Granny arrives in Georgia with all my cash…

Scary Baby Update

I wasn’t even going to blog today which was technically last night because I write the blog the night before and since I didn’t have a Typo Tuesday Thursday ready and it was my birthday and I think my friend Junebug is mad at me for yesterday’s blog post because she didn’t call me even though she sent the great card…

Hey, remind me about run-on sentences and how many thoughts you can string together with “and.”

AND maybe I’m just paranoid and Junebug was super busy yesterday.

Okay, moving on.

The Scary Baby update is here at the request of a sweet blog reader and fellow mom, Tracy who left this comment last night which is why I am now writing this.

Update #1 ~ Scary Baby has a locker

Amazing what happens when you send a little email directly to the principal.

Not my first choice of communication but since we had done our due diligence in attending curriculum night, addressing the locker issue with the teacher and following up daily with our child for almost SIX weeks, PhilBillPaul said the email was overdue.

Seems the principal headed to the lockers herself, verified the broken ones and found one that worked for our darling Scary Baby.

She proceeded to bring all her books home on the bus on Friday because “I didn’t feel like going to my locker to put them all in there.”

Update #2 ~ Still sick but no missed school

Knock on wood.

She is half way through week seven with a very sore throat and it hurts to swallow and she has to take tiny bites and chew up the food really, really good or it is painful…

This is a result of an unfortunate weekend episode where she swallowed a pill for a headache and it got stuck. She thinks it burned something in her throat or chest or somewhere in that general area.

You get the point.

It hurts.

Dinner on Wednesday night was not pretty. The Grunter was home and he brings out the worst in me since he has mostly recovered from his long list of ailments and now finds Scary Baby’s ailments more than amusing.

“The sharp, crispy, hard cheese quesadilla is hard to eat,” she told us.

“It hurts.”

After several immature comments by me (I have confessed my immaturity–this is not news) and The Grunter about being sure her esophagus burns would heal on their own, she did not eat and went upstairs none too happy with either of us.

Rescue Dad actually called the pharmacy to see if she could, in fact, have a sore throat and/or any damage from a pill dissolving in her throat on SATURDAY NIGHT.

“Please tell me didn’t call our regular pharmacist and blocked your phone number?”

I’m moving.

I then suggested we all head to the ER to get her scoped. We better have them scope her esophagus AND wind pipe. This may also require an upper GI.

Let’s really fuel the fire. Throw some more gasoline on it.

Did I mention she also has a stomach ache that comes and goes and tonight at dinner PhilBillPaul told me she told him that she’s having chest pains?

Update #3

No rectal temperature taking has happened.

Side note: I wanted to clarify that I know those were oral sheaths I photographed with the old and dusty thermometer. It was just a representation of how often we use any kind of thermometer here at the Humpfreeze Hypochondriac House. My friend Junebug was disturbed by the oral sheaths since I was referring to a rectal thermometer. I hate when I confuse my readers…I’m confused enough for all of us.

Update #4

Counseling session on Monday clearly did not help me become more mature.

I bet Tracy is sorry she asked for this update.

My next school subject is going to be fundraisers.

Please weigh in and tell me all your success stories and all the ipods and other fabulous gifts your child has “WON” for being top seller with absolutely NO pressure from the school or the fundraising company that has enticed them to sell high quality wrapping paper, magazines, candy, cookie dough, Christmas ornaments and other wonderful products and pit them in a fierce competition amongst their classmates.

My throat hurts. I’m choking.


Top Secret

Full Disclaimer: PhilBilPaul and The Grunter not only suggested but also encouraged this post. The Grunter even participated by using his Photoshop skills.

If you have ever wondered

where I get my warped sense of humor…

…it’s totally from my friend Junebug.

Birthday cards in bad taste – one of my favorite things. Even though we’re not celebrating anyone’s birthday today!

Thanks Junebug.


Especially loved the p.s. note.

Does that feel like a veiled threat to anyone or is it just me?


DWTS ~ A Potpourri of Insanity

Or was that a put-pourri?

According to Bruno and his accent, I believe it was the latter and it did describe David Hasselhoff’s performance to a tee.

I know it’s a 50/50 split of readers who are viewers vs. non-viewers.

Please try to endure if you are a non-viewer. I’ll try to keep it brief and only on Tuesdays.

Of course, this bumps my Typo Tuesday so I’m considering Typo Thursday but the alliteration is not nearly as nice.

The weeks leading up to the best dancers are kind of boring except for the laughs. I enjoy the show most once they get the field narrowed down to the final four.

[photo: ABC]

Here are my very brief comments on the first 12 couples (“star” listed first, pro is second):

Audrina Patridge & Tony Dovolani – Don’t know her, too old to watch the reality show she has been on, reminds me of Joanna the swimsuit model from past season.

Kurt Warner & Anna Trebunskaya – I’ve always been a fan, love his NFL story, love his family story, he looked so graceful and happy while he danced. A quarterback who can dance is a lovely sight to behold.

Kyle Massey & Lacey Schwimmer – Tons of enthusiasm, not a huge fan of Lacey and he might have been looking at her body part because she doesn’t have them covered up. Ahem.

Rick Fox & Cheryl Burke – Guess I have a thing for the pro athletes and I also like Cheryl, thought she really brought out the best in him especially with their height difference. Will be interesting to see when he has to do a fast dance instead of a waltz.

Margaret Cho & Louis Van Amstel – Her facial expressions were painful to watch, the comedy did not work especially with waltz and I said these things out loud before the judges weighed in.

Brandy & Maks Chmerkovskiy – You already know how I feel about Maks and he made Brandy look very graceful and lovely. Unfair advantage because she definitely has a dance and performance background.

Bristol Palin & Mark Ballas – Nothing to say about the weirdest casting yet except…she’s never been a star, a sort of star or a star in the making which is initially what the show was based on hence the title. She has lucked out with a great partner but as a teen mother who is the daughter of a former VP candidate, WHY OH WHY is she on this show?!

Florence Henderson & Corky Ballas – Holy cow, she looks good especially for her age! Mrs. Brady can still shake it. I really wish she would have been paired with a younger partner instead of Corky. I call foul on this age discrimination. Give them both younger partners.

Michael Bolton & Chelsie Hightower – Reverse age discrimination once again. Oh look, poor Chelsie gets Michael Bolton. He’ll be leaving soon and that’s no reflection on Chelsie. On a positive note, I’m so glad he did finally cut that scary hair.

The Situation & Karina Smirnoff – Should not be allowed on the show unless he can use his name instead of a phrase. Loved the judges knocking him down a few pegs, the cockiness never plays well on this show!

Jennifer Grey & Derek Hough – I didn’t want to like her. Mostly because she does not look like Baby anymore. There’s way, way more work there than a nose job. I thought the music choice was a bit contrived this early. That said, she went out and danced and I couldn’t help like it. I credit Derek for being the pro who can make anyone look great and he’s doing it again!

David Hasselhoff & Kym Johnson – P-A-I-N-F-U-L is all I can say about this. Well, that and POOR Kym. Not a fan, could barely watch. It was just embarrassing especially him counting and his bad facial expressions. Add to that, he really believes he is hot. So ICKY!

My early predictions

For the final four…my personal favs:

  • Kurt & Anna
  • Rick & Cheryl
  • Brandy & Maks
  • Jennifer & Derek

It will be interesting to see if anyone can change my mind with their performances in the coming weeks.

Please Vote OFF

Hope they vote off “The Situation” or “The Hoff” right away!

I still wish they had a number we could call to vote someone OFF.

Weigh in now! Who did you love? Who made you cringe?


Friday Food Fun: Kitchen Fails

I didn’t want you to think I’ve been bragging about our kitchen creations. While I do love to bake and really love to try new recipes, sometimes things just don’t go as planned.

Sometimes things do not turn out like the pictures in the magazines or on the blogs.

Cake Fail #1

Sopapilla Cake

Earlier this year in the Spring cookie frenzy, near Cinco de Mayo, this cake seemed perfect.

Layers of tortillas with cream cheese and cinnamon. What could be bad about that combo?

Strawberries and whipped cream did not help.

The Grunter said it was one of the worst things I’d ever made.

Cake Fail #2

I wanted to make this Summer Berry Cake so much that I dared turned on the oven over Labor Day weekend.

Two cups of berries, sugar, butter, eggs, greek yogurt…yum!

Ah, golden brown. Two toothpicks came out clean.

The toothpicks lied.

PhilBillPaul took all the inside goop/raw batter and put it in a loaf pan and baked it for 30 more minutes. Still no cake. Such a bummer and an expensive mistake for my grocery budget.


Frito Chicken

These kitchen fails made PhilBillPaul reminisce with the children about my infamous Frito Chicken that I made in the first year of marriage.

I love Fritos. I love mayonnaise. When I saw the recipe combining the two as a coating for baked chicken, I was sure it would be a winner.

I was wrong.

I feel nauseous every time I think about it. And it’s been 22 years.

What’s the worst thing you ever made? Does it still haunt you?


Bonus Typo Thursday & Oompa Loompa Futon

I just wanted to give you this quick update that just before the darling twins left for college last month, I got bold {shocking I know} and shared the woes of my toddler futon that I ordered online to a customer service rep at Walmart.

The biggest woe was that we had thrown away the box and I had read somewhere that they needed the original packaging to return it.

She assured me that we could return it and even confirmed it with a manager.

I sent PhilBillPaul and Lizzie to Walmart that evening to return the mini futon!

Why was I so worried about this Walmart “rule”? I think mostly because I knew it was my mistake, not theirs.

Wouldn’t you know they were out the lovely blue color in the full sized version online?

But I did see this while I was browsing.

Find the bonus typo above.

While I loved the look of this one, it was beyond our $100 budget.

The full sized one actually dropped in price and was $10 cheaper than the toddler size. Yea!

So we ended up getting a black full sized one at the store and PhilBillPaul and Scary Baby put it together.

Photos courtesy of Scary Baby

Not nearly as cute as the toddler one in royal blue but way more functional.

No more Oompa Loompas sleeping in The Lounge.


School Illness Guidelines

I considered password protecting this post. Mostly because PhilBillPaul thinks my our new guidelines might be illegal.

I beg to differ.

I’m trying to impart the importance of regular school attendance and knowing when someone is really sick and should stay home. It’s been a real battle here with child #4 and we’re doing all we can to find a balance between tough love and empathy.

When she was home last week, I asked her to write an essay and pretend she was the mom and she had a daughter that she thought was pretending to be sick.

Shades of homeschooling days gone by. A little writing exercise never hurt anyone. I also know writing can be cathartic and maybe I’d be able to glean some nuggets about why she wanted to stay home.

Here are a few direct quotes from her essay and what I learned:

“If my daughter was sick all the time, I would at least have an ounce of sympathy.”
I am not a good nurse.

“Happiness, laughter and a LOVING atmosphere are great medicines.”
I am not a good nurse.

“Trust is an important component.”
Her writing level clearly exceeds her age. What eleven year-old uses the word component?

Essay: A
Mom skills: D-

New Guidelines for Being Sick & Staying Home From School

We obviously need to establish some new guidelines so that I can improve my nursing skills. I explained that first I need to know for sure that she is sick and then I could be much more sympathetic.

With a straight face, I shared these 2 two new criteria with her. I explained that these things would make her think first if she was really feeling bad enough to miss school or perhaps she should tough it out.

These two criteria also cover the very real concern, “Is she contagious?” because I have never wanted to send a contagious kid to school and I appreciate other mothers who do not do that!

1) Rectal temperature taking
I’ve heard it’s very accurate. This is my suggestion because this kid has been known to turn a heating pad on high while lying under an electric blanket on high, sit way too close to a hot lamp, and generally try to make herself sweat and get hot on more than one occasion in order to feign illness. And I don’t even think she’s ever seen Ferris Bueller.

2) Parental confirmation of throw up
We need to confirm that she didn’t gag and spit so one of us needs to SEE it. Very different than actually throwing up. Guess which parent will have to do the viewing? Enough said because I’m getting sick typing this.

Just for the record, Scary Baby’s response to the first one was,
“Riiiiight mom!!!! Like you’re going to buy a butt thermometer?!!!”

I answered, again with a straight face,
“I own one and will be glad to show it to you when we get home.”

Truth: While I do own a rectal thermometer because the hospital gave me one with baby #1 and I don’t want to throw it away with that dangerous mercury in it, I have never used it and don’t plan on it.

She insisted on seeing it. Here’s what PhilBillPaul dug out of the bathroom drawer.

Hmmm, what year did Phar-Mor close? When did anything cost 69¢?

I loved the packaging on the back so much I had to scan it so you all could read it. Especially that last sentence.

For the record, this is a giant _______ “starts with b and ends with an f” on my part. Hope you can figure that out because she reads the blog.

Open to more suggestions and will report back any recommendations from counseling session.


Typo Tuesday: 1 Sign and 2 Books

Driving by this sign 3 days a week, I’m not sure how many times I passed it before really reading it.

Typo #1

I’m sure it’s not cost effective to have it corrected. Or, people just don’t care. I’m going with the latter.

Typo #2

Here’s one from a book I enjoyed reading this summer. A good friend recommended the book and I actually recommended the darling college children read it. (Hasn’t happened yet but I’m still hopeful.)

The One-Week Job Project: One Man, One Year, 52 Jobs page 234.

Great quote but needed one more proofreader.

Typo #3

Finally, Scary Baby is doing her part for Typo Tuesday and showed me this one this weekend while she was re-reading Harry Potter {again}.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, page 283

Good catch!

Did you get them all?


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